On the way to a sociology exam, I am awake at a time everyone shares their daily commute to a cubicle, counter or desk- an occasion rarely forced upon me. Standing, arms relegated to my sides, the only posture I can afford in such a tight space, my mind cannot help but wander. So in order to prepare for the paper, the first and last chance I get to do so, I observe society: their heads bowed down- another monday gone by and they’ve made it without killing themselves; their one true regret. Their eyes close- everybody’s; they can’t bear to look in the eyes of the weary standing before then. Embarrassed, ashamed of their complicity. I do believe this is the worst time to be awake; a zone I’d prefer not to exist. Atoms hover territorially and everything spins perfectly on their own axis. Nobody can see beyond their own locus, concentrating on the perimeter and within. Drown themselves in dark and selfish noise. Conflated into 20 square metres: Twilight. Nobody smiles.

i should be happy

i should shine today. and i should be rested.

it shouldn’t be that difficult, be a darling, smile , enjoy, i tell myself i will be fine.

this is what i do best.



freedom comes with such cost. 

but is it even freedom?

one could get numb living like this. pretty things. comfort. vanity. decadent nights to make up for losses.

but this endless loneliness

there must be something wrong from the core.

i worry as i take the courage to sleep

how can you be smart

when its love

i already accepted that i relate to nothing

past is heavy but past is past and

i can only try to understand



egoism

too much self importance 

perhaps

luxury of time 

perhaps just series of bad events which were only beautiful

the irony

the facade we put on

penetrating time.

but not egoism.

it is relative but different.

i just know

the more i gain

the more lonely it is

but when people grow together

its something that is not easy but is nice 

and that is something, 

relative.

staying relative is hard

staying honest is hard

i know i’m like a ghost

i have nothing

but myself

and potential, to me is the question of will

thats why i am present to you

Distorted within, beyond a place to begin
I’m so shrouded in sin, I can’t win
Take me back to the start, that has burdened this heart
We’ve moving so fast, we’re missing so much

Is this far enough?
Is this far enough?

Now the rain’s falling in, greasing your skin –
The fear of drowning, again
Imagine the water, closing over your head
Shadows on the surface, forcing you to forget
How far we’ve come
How far we’ve come

Washing over me now, the immaculate sound
Of living life without taste, or beauty
And not the folly of love, can change my distaste
I ask you is this enough, I wonder is this the place

Is this far enough?
Is this far enough?

What a night for a dance, you know I’m a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high I don’t want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I’ve found

In the dark of the night I could hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if you’re ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground

See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry

I wish to weep/but sorrow is/stupid.